Customer Service--Nein!

Dear Germany,

Though you have many things to offer the world, I would like to be quite German, and tell you directly, that, your  customer service leaves much to the imagination.

For instance:

When I walk in the doors of your Audi dealership, you greet me with a glance in the opposite direction, a shuffle of your papers, an urgent phone call you just remembered to make, and a "just a minute"-finger in the air, which really means, just 20 minutes before you acknowledge my presence.

After looking at every car model but one, without a word from your staff, who are all sitting around and turn the other way when I come over, I ask if I can have a seat in the one car I came here to seriously consider, which is locked.  You tell me that the battery must be dead, and that, honestly, it likely will not be charged today or tomorrow, due to a company party everyone is looking forward to that evening.  And then it's the dreaded Sunday, dreaded only to the typical American. Dreaded because everything is closed, except for the shops that sell bier.  If you want bread, water, food--tough luck! If you want beer, this is possible.

I come back another week with an appointment to buy a car and check in.  You tell me someone will be with me in 5 minutes. An hour later I am still waiting. I mention this to you and you shrug. I leave.

But I must come back. And I do, for a 2nd appointment, reassured by the manager on the phone that someone will be with me at the allotted time.  I come back because the company is paying for the car, and only at this dealership.  I wait one hour. You have gone on vacation and have forgotten to mention this small detail.  Your receptionist informs me that I can make an appointment if I really want a car.

I come back a third time.  Now you see me, only 15 minutes after our appointment time.  You needed your smoke and your tasse Kaffee erst.  You mock me with your smile and ask me if I'm proud to be an American.  You hate me, and, quite honestly, the feeling is starting* to be mutual.

I ask your waiters for wasser. They roll their eyes at me, while I'm still looking.

I walk into a store: "Do you have any....excuse me please.  I'm looking for....".  You go into the back room.  I was even speaking German.  You must hear my accent and scurry away to laugh.  Hmm. Perhaps you had something more important to do than sell anything in your shop?    

On days when I am just browsing, of course, this is a wonderful feature of your country.  However, if you really want to get something, I feel I must make noise to do so.  Is everything this way?  How are you all not exhausted?

I ask for a reservation at your restaurant.  You say, "We are full.  There is no more room."  You offer no alternative. The only information is that I cannot get what I wanted.  No apologies. No problem solving.  This is not possible.

And so it goes.  If I want something in your country, I must ask for it, in German, directly, loudly, with command of respect.  Oh Germany, if only you would walk onto the car lot of any store in America.  You could not turn your bicycle around in the lot without at least two men waving you down, asking if you wanted something to drink.  They would ask about your day, your family, and appear sincerely interested. They would try to sell you things you didn't want.  I wonder what you would do with such an overwhelming sales-force.....

 * Starting?  Okay...yes, at this point, it is a euphemism.